Everywhere I turn I see eyes looking back at me Everything I learned wasn’t enough to keep me free Now I’m getting what I’ve earned in betting on duplicity Spreading wide the curtains on what I don’t want to see
Step into the house of mirrors Unsteady in this atmosphere I’m standing up to all my fears They said that I’m not welcome here
But I built every corner of this place I felt every contorted face I made every distorted shape Never dealt with this unsorted rage
Now it spills out each time I engage With the ways that I’m flawed My reflections all looking odd My reactions never what they ought to be
I keep doing this, I can’t stop hurting me And this pain is affecting my family Repetition, re-action, the same old scene, Mental playlist is shuffled and on repeat Bloody tracks leading right back to my own feet I’m attacking the past and the memories But the mirrors are all cackling at me
I stumble through the endless maze Troubled by each restless gaze Crumbling inside, quivering, My pain doubled in the eyes Of each shimmering face
The voices will not go away The whispers all hiss, never fade The slideshow is set on replay With every regret on display This is where I stay This is my every day There are no words to say, Only hurts that still remain,
Wounds I caused, I can’t explain What I’ve done to cause you pain Every image glaring at me with the same Expression, staring with disdain
Everywhere I turn I see eyes looking back at me Everything I learned wasn’t enough to keep me free Now I’m getting what I’ve earned in betting on duplicity Spreading wide the curtains on what I don’t want to see
I feel cold metal in my hand And wrap my fingers around A bat, a crowbar Anything to beat this down And in my head I start to swinging At each reflection that I’m seeing
Break the glass, it’s an emergency I shattered all of my history Scattered all I had that meant something And yet the past is catching up with me Madder at myself than I should be Or so they say in therapy But I think that they ain’t hearin’ me
The hate isn’t a mystery Because it’s always here in me Wanna see? What face am I supposed to be? Calling all these “me-rears” ‘Cause they’re looking back at me
What version of myself Should I take down off the shelf Dust it off, put it on like a mask Trust is lost, and I can’t get it back
What it costs is too much, I can’t ask it I been caustic like rust, nothing lasting Long enough, I’m corrosive like acid Going off like explosives, bombastic And I ran right through all of my chances All these visions of me look askance In this prison of mirrors and answers To the questions around which I dance
In every piece of glass I see eyes looking back at me With every swing I shatter who I thought that I could be Now I’m getting to the matter of the hurt I buried deep And I’m flicking on the lighter pouring out the gasoline
I stepped into the house of mirrors So sick and tired of seeing unclear I set a fire to all my fears And threw out all my souvenirs
My heel falls upon the broken shards And what remains of who we are I feel all we will remember Is lost to lie in dust and embers
“I can’t believe you support (political opinion)!So I guess you hate (groupof people) and anyone who thinks (other political opinion) now, or something? I thought you were a (political affiliation), but now I’m not sure what you are or what you believe.”
Fun, right? Laughs a-plenty.
So much of today’s American politics feels like an all-or-nothing fight, a game of extreme positions with no in-between. If you say you support X, people assume you must completely support Y, and are 100% opposed to Z.
Yet politics—and pretty much everything meaningful in life—is more complex than that. We’ve been fed a steady diet of Either/Or and false dilemmas, so it seems like some of us have forgotten what it’s like to find common ground or work toward a compromise.
Ooh, they have graphics for cognitive biases as well!
If I post something that relates to Black Lives Matter, unless I write an additional paragraph of explanation and caveats, people assume I’m 100% in agreement with all of the organization’s stated political and cultural goals, and must therefore hate all police officers.
If I argue against someone’s interpretation of something President Trump says or that his administration does, people assume I believe everything the President tweets and support every action the Republican party takes.
Sometimes I question the more extreme folks on the Right, or challenge the assertions they make when it seems like their position is unfounded or disturbing. Immediately, commenters jump to the conclusion that I must be a bleeding heart liberal or some freedom-hating socialist. It’s as clear as day to everyone; obviously anyone who questions The Narrative is one of them, and not us.
Sometimes I question the more extreme folks on the Left, and challenge their assumptions about how our society should be organized or corrected. That leads to assumptions that I’m going to rallies along with Nazis and racists and calling them “good people.” Once again, obviously anyone who questions The Narrative is one of them, and not us.
I’ve been told that I hate America, and asked why it seems like I care so much about American politics since I don’t live in the States… even though I am a citizen and a veteran who served America’s interests in the military for 24 years.
I’ve been asked whether I’m struggling with some burden of white guilt, and have been told that I hate the groups I identify with. I’ve been asked “What happened to your logic and critical thinking” when I didn’t blindly go along with one side or the other, and have had my religious faith questioned for taking positions that don’t match what someone expected.
I’ve been told that it seems like I’m virtue signaling when I post so much, since someone didn’t see enough posts from me on a given subject in the past… but I am somehow also criticized for always and only posting about the same old subjects.
And of course, if you post something that seems to even tiptoe over the line to the Left or Right, people on the other side will assume you dove into the deep end and started drinking up the political pool water like Kool-Aid.
There are two boxes, only two, and you must be completely in one or the other. Nothing else exists… to the extent that we can become blind to any evidence or reasonable argument from the other side.
Well. That’s a probably too-long intro to a post no one will likely care about, but it’s a chance to get things off my chest.
So.
I’m concerned.
I’m concerned and grateful for the police—for people who I believe are generally putting their lives on the line to do an often thankless and dangerous job in order to keep people like me safe. I don’t walk in their shoes or claim to know the stresses they deal with on a daily basis, and I wouldn’t want to.
AND I am also concerned and disturbed when it seems like there is a significant pattern of excessive use of force against the civilians they protect and serve. The police act as agents of the government authorized to use lethal force. When there are so many instances of unwarranted force followed by false reporting that require civilian video footage to expose, it erodes trust and causes deep concern for how the authorities are exercising the power they wield.
Similarly, I’m concerned that “black lives matter” is a necessary affirmation in our country. There are too many videos and reports of lives needlessly and violently cut short, too many instances where there was no opportunity to comply with the police, too many situations where “don’t break the law and you’ll be fine” wasn’t good enough.
I think these views are valid and non-contradictory. I don’t have to choose one or the other.
I’m concerned about violence and riots, damage of property, and most crime. I think societies flourish when there are just laws and harmonious order, and so I worry when people are allowed to create and continue a state of destructive unrest.
AND I am also concerned when unidentified agents of the government roll up in unmarked vehicles, detain citizens without any charges or explanation, drive around with these citizens for an hour or more, and pressure them to waive constitutional rights. I am concerned when representatives of our government say, “That’s been working well, so we want to do the same thing across the country.”
I think you can be concerned about riots and unrest, and also concerned about governmental overreach and abuse of power. These aren’t mutually exclusive. It turns out there are lots of options and degrees of concern to choose from.
I’m concerned by a trend of vilifying and canceling anyone who dares dissent with conventional cultural wisdom. There are certainly vile opinions out there deserving of condemnation. However, it seems like some folks learned that if you can just label someone a Nazi or a racist—even when, or especially when it makes no logical sense—then you can ignore anything they say and make everyone want nothing to do with them.
AND I am also concerned by the ease with which so many brush aside the scars and any discussion of America’s checkered past regarding race. I am troubled by the seeming inability of many on the Right to even consider the possibility that there is a discussion to be had or that there are hurting voices to be heard.
I don’t think we should be holding our fingers in our ears pretending not to hear … nor do I feel like we should be screaming louder than someone else in order to shout down or ignore what they’re saying. It’s possible to hold both those views. Neither method helps us move forward as a people together.
Let’s speed this up.
I’m concerned about government taking too much control of Second Amendment freedoms, AND concerned about our society being the only developed country in the world experiencing waves of gun violence. Surely there is some middle ground.
I’m concerned about the ability of our country to maintain control of our borders and handle a large influx of aspiring immigrants, AND concerned about the ways we treat the powerless while they are in our custody.
I’m concerned about the ability of our citizens to exercise their faith AND concerned about the effects of prejudice upon the ostracized.
I’m concerned about our ability to maintain American interests abroad AND concerned about our seeming inability to handle some of the basic needs of our citizens.
I’m concerned about bias in media AND concerned about rejection of or politicization of science.
I’m concerned about dealing with prejudice and recognizing bias…
AND concerned with perspectives on the issue that go to wild extremes like rejecting the scientific method as “white culture.”
AND concerned with a bunch of people that cling to the monuments and flag of those who fought to stop people of color from being recognized as fully human, yet seem unable to understand why that might be upsetting.
AND concerned with identity politics and ideologies that claim “if you are a part of this group, you MUST feel X, and believe Y, and you are automatically considered Z. Otherwise, you’re not REALLY one of us.” In other words, you better get in a box.
I’m concerned about a lot of things.
I’m concerned that most of what we need to address in our society are issues of the heart… ideologies and mindsets that exist beyond the power of the pen that signs a law or the threat of government power to enforce that law.
I don’t have a solution for that concern, but it seems like a little empathy, humility, and respectful discourse go a long way.
The world is messy, and complicated, and colorful, and multifaceted.
Societal issues are troubling, and complex, and galvanizing, and heart-breaking.
America is beautiful, and scarred, and aspirational, and flawed, and always striving for better, never satisfied.
I’m concerned… and I’m still proud to be a part of it.
I’d like to think that I maintain an open mind Or at least I am not shy to take in what I find But no matter how I’ve tried to see a view larger than mine “It seems like you have picked a side,” They say of me sometimes.
The comment leaves me wondering, Who determined what sides exist? Who set up the boundaries? When did they announce all this? Maybe there’s some information, some important tweet I missed That settles the determination Of who’s for and who’s against And what the issue really is.
In life it seems that so few things Are cut so clear as A or B But so many refuse to choose To see all these complexities And so we shout down any views With which we feel we disagree And paint them not as they communicate But as unsafe extremes
It’s easier to reject than it is to reflect It’s easier to ignore than it is to learn more It’s easier to smear or sneer than take the time to truly hear It’s easier to shut out than to pause and think about And while I’d like to think that my own views are still quite fair I must admit, I’ve found a side that I would like to share.
I choose the side that says the ones we authorize To handle lethal force while risking their own lives Should be respected, yes, of course, But it should come as no surprise That those trained and equipped with more Would have a standard strict and high
I choose the side that sees a disconcerting pattern Of deadly tragedies and lives that should’ve mattered Dying doing things that I and my kids can do every day Like driving, gaming, jogging, sleeping, going to the park to play.
I choose the side not satisfied to look some other ways, Who don’t decide that they’re just tired of Facebook posts on race Who don’t reply with “What about—” deflecting conversation Who won’t sit silent with their doubts and worries for our nation Who call out the hypocrisy when one side does what’s wrong When just a few years earlier they sang a different song
I choose the side that says that we can look at more than one Issue that’s dividing us from what we could get done. We don’t have to act like we can only focus on one problem When there’s plenty we could do if as a group we tried to solve ‘em
I choose the side that says we ought try to empathize I think it’s worth a thought to see the struggle from another’s eyes
I choose the side that says that I know I don’t have it figured out But listening to different voices and learning to shut my mouth Has made some space for growth and maybe even fostered doubt Where compassion and humility can find some fertile ground
I choose the side that doesn’t jump to find justification And lose my mind when I see facts enduring alteration— Obscured interpretation of a hurtful situation And the sure perpetuation of unfounded allegation And immediate assumption of some disqualification That allows us to negate the arguments and proof we’re facing— “Why, any lie is better than to be confronted by The possibility that I could have to change my mind!”
It was not too long ago that I suppose I chose a side When I watched all those before my eyes start drawing battle lines When they dug their trenches and, with thoughts of war preoccupied, They hunkered down into the ideologies they fortified
I recall an ancient tale of a city become battleground One army huddled in their walls, the other army circled ‘round Their leader then encountered one who called himself Commander And he questioned this Newcomer with a single-minded manner “Are you for us, or for our enemies,” he asked “Neither,” came the answer that he never would’ve guessed
We might think it’s binary, every issue black and white, Only options A or B, there’s a wrong and there’s a right But I shall not be beholden to this warlike apparatus And I will not offer loyalty to those seeking more status
Those who walk with certainty that it’s their camp that God inhabits Think it fair to challenge me, “Why have you turned your anger at us?”
I do not stand my ground with pride, but I consider this: I do not claim, “God’s on my side,” but ask, “Am I on His?”
Some days it all piles on me, I feel like I’m drowning Can’t see the light from the depth of the pit that I’m down in Sometimes I find it too hard – to do what I oughtta Seems like the best I can do is keep treading water
I don’t know if I am moving the goalposts, Or learning the rules of the game. No surprise, they don’t give points out for almost, But they sure know how to point out the blame. Not certain if I’m laughing or crying, After a while it starts feelin’ the same. Heart hurtin’, make a living by dying Just a little day by day, it’s a shame
They all wanna talk about purpose Make it sound like we all deserve it But the fact is that we gotta earn it And the story now becomes a burden When it seems there’s a valley between Who we are and we wanted to be What we hope for and what we see What we live through and what we believe What we try doing and what we achieve
All of these dreams over which we grieve All the memories and wake that we leave They tell us it’s our legacy Woven together like tapestry But I feel more like it’s unraveled When I see how little I have traveled Toward the goals that were laid out for me More like floating out here in the sea
Some days it all piles on me, I feel like I’m drowning Can’t see the light from the depth of the pit that I’m down in Sometimes I find it too hard – to do what I oughtta Seems like the best I can do is keep treading water
‘Round and ‘round I go When can I stop? I don’t know When I finally drop, maybe? No Maybe then I’ll find rest for my soul Maybe then it’ll all come together At the end I won’t worry ‘bout whether Who I am is ever gonna measure Up to the standard I treasure
Maybe then I will finally get it What it means to have life and to live it How His grace took my sin to forgive it How my slate is now clean, can’t forget it Maybe then I can finally stop runnin’ And the demon within will be done in And the glory I’ll see will be stunning With my gaze on the face of the Son In That place that He promised will come When this world and its troubles are done But for now He said He gives me peace While I’m floating out here in the seas
Some days it all piles on me, I feel like I’m drowning can’t see the light from the depth of the pit that I’m down in Sometimes I find it too hard – to do what I oughtta That’s when I reach out for You where You’re walkin’ on water
But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”
Here’s another poem meant as a spoken word piece. I know it’s been a while since the last post – one of many factors that inspired this poem. I’ve had a number of blog post ideas that sound great for a moment and then fade into memory, lost in distraction or the more urgent needs of life … but every once in a while I get spurts of writing done.
Tick-tock tick-tock, feeling out of time Watching the clock, like it might rewind Thoughts are time-locked, moving in a line Through a minefield, thinkin’ ‘bout what’s mines
I been livin’ in the past, or I’m fearin’ for the future Dwellin’ on the last things I said and how they hurt ya Time is flyin’ fast and they say that means it’s fun But I’m watchin’ and the hourglass is draining, almost done Every grain a memory of a place I’ve been before A little pain when I see important options unexplored I don’t aim to play “What if?” — waste of time I can’t afford Need to keep up with “What is” ‘cause with time there’s never more
Shut the door, I don’t mean to be ravin’ Out my mind – All these questions I’m raisin’ Out of time – got these goals but I’m lazy Shut my eyes – should be set on obtainin’ Everything that I said I’d be aiming at Alarm rings, stay in bed, I be snoozin’ that New day brings grace instead of what I should get But I cling to the blanket of my regret
Cold inside, I’m uncomfortable in my head Try to hide all the dreams that I left for dead Brush aside all the wreckage from words I said Full of lies, not only empty promises Compromise, lookin’ back on the things I did Idolize all the ones getting after it Never tried, not enough to create a hit I despise what I do, and I can’t forget
When I look at the past, I feel out of sequence When I measure my present, I’m so delinquent Will I finish the plans and ideas I’m thinkin? Look at the future for me, there’s no freak win See, I fail to develop in me any discipline Good things I do once, I will rarely do again And that’s a road that only leads to a dead end But that’s the situation that I have placed myself in
Caught between my regret and what hasn’t happened yet Between the person that I was and who I’m afraid I’ll be Worry ‘bout the fantasy, I forget the real me Lookin’ backwards as I’m walkin’ — How am I supposed to see? Thinkin’ forwards when I’m dreamin’ all the possibilities But it’s much more like a nightmare when it finally clicks for me That the clock is ever tickin’ and the rate is only quickened And I’m missin’ all the seconds — slip into eternity And I’m stuck beneath the burden of the knowledge in this wording Like a lock around the hurtin’ and I lost the only key
Tick-tock tick-tock, feeling out of time Unwind the clock, gears all start to grind Thoughts so fleeting, dreams all in decline Like the twilight swallowing sunshine
Have you noticed that God has a way of bringing the unexpected message or song you need right at the time you need it? I recall that when our oldest daughter got married and moved back to the States, that week at the chapel service was the first time I heard and played the Bethel version of “It Is Well.” Even though it felt like the seas of our family life were turbulent and shifting, I had to sing – and recognize – that those waves and wind still know His Name, and that through it all, with my eyes on Him, it would be well with me.
This week, my family sent our son Jon off to Thailand for LifeCompass, a four month missionary internship with Cadence International. It is both awesome and hard to see him go. As parents we worry for his safety; as Christians we praise God for working in and through him; as loved ones we will miss the joy and passion he brings to our home.
Last week at worship team practice, one of our magnificent singers, Rachel, introduced me to a song called “Another in the Fire” by Hillsong United. Jon is taking the words and the scriptures that inspired them with him, and I’m keeping them close to my heart. We all have fires and seas in our path. Maybe it’s the difference between who we know we should be and who we are. Maybe it’s a deep grief or frustrating struggle where we never seem to make headway. Maybe the doubts and uncertainties about what’s to come. Maybe it’s all those and more. Whatever our struggle or challenge, there is Another who was with us, who is with us now, and who will be through it all. We can know that we will never be alone.
On frustrating days (or rather, on good enough days with some particularly frustrating moments), this view right outside my door is my mental safe space…
My much-needed reminder that the momentary afflictions and annoyances are passing by like the fading sun and the gentle waves.
Sunset at Toguchi Beach
There’s a psalm that comes to mind–or should–when I start getting distracted by what’s not going the way I want:
“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.”
Psalms 27:13-14 NASB
I’m preaching to myself here, and watching the last amber hues fade behind the gray clouds at the horizon. Tomorrow will be another day, with its own troubles as well as a few left over from today.
With the trouble, there is always a supply of goodness and grace. It’s up to me to choose what to focus on.
Another spoken word, emotional venting piece as I think about the accomplishments I’ve done and the things I should be proud of but I’m not.
People say nice things, and I assume they’re just being polite, or they don’t know the “real” me. When people express even the smallest hints of frustration or disappointment, part of me gets defensive like they’re calling my whole life into question, and part of me agrees with them that I’m the worst.
I know none of those voices are really true, nor do they capture all the complexities of interpersonal relationships, but it’s hard not to believe the stories that emotion and fear try to tell.
For example: Since the head librarian of the base library is a friend in the local writing group and a NaNoWriMo participant, she was happy to take a copy of each of my self-published novels to put on the shelf. I assumed they’d be lost in the back somewhere, but then a co-worker told me, “Hey, my wife saw your books on the shelf at the library today!” The staff put them with new releases on display near the front of the library.
Which SHOULD be “Oh wow, that’s cool.” Not everyone can say that… but instead, it feels like, “That’s nice, but give it a month, and then they will actually disappear into the back, just like I thought.”
A fellow writer and friend has also self-published, and we both talk about how it feels like something “less than a real writer,” like a video game achievement unlocked with an asterisk noting that you were cheating while playing.
People can find us on Amazon. How many people can say that? Surely that counts for something, doesn’t it? “But anyone can upload a pile of word-vomit onto Kindle Direct Publishing and have a so-called ‘book,’ so…”
I know I shouldn’t listen to those thoughts. But they’re my thoughts.
I might record this like I did with The Basement. If you’d like that, let me know in a comment, and since I’m a sucker for external validation, I’ll probably do it.
Tune Out
How do I tune out the voices when I’m the one speaking?
How do I push out these thoughts when I’m the one thinking?
How do I find the peace I say that I’m seeking
When I keep diving into the pit, now it feels like I’m sinking
Got a comf’table spot sitting pretty up under this shade
That I throw at myself, I don’t need you to pile on the hate
Got enough of my own, Poured a full glass of haterade
Gonna drink it on down, there’s a whole ‘nother pitcher I made
Got a couple books sitting up on the library shelf
That’s really tight oh right I just published myself
Got a check that they pay me to come to the chapel and play
Takin money to do a job I’d do for free any day
Just a sub, just a fill in, just doin’ a couple months’ stay
Doesn’t matter, I kill it ’til they come and take it away
Got a job where I got to the top of the intel op game
But it’s just an additional duty I do on the plane
Who I am and who big Air Force wants, well it isn’t the same
And I’m not gonna grind myself down ’til I end up insane
Any more than I already am, if you know what I mean
Which you do if you’re seein these words that I type on the screen
I’m not tryna pretend I belong to some emo rap scene
I’m just tryin’ to square up my feelings and intervene
‘Cause I know that nobody can change me or fix all my mess
And I say that I want to be changed when I pause to confess
All the garbage and failure and choices that causin’ me stress
Guess I’d think that if I didn’t like this, be doin’ it less
All the things that I do for which people may even applaud
Serve the highlight the ways that I feel like my life is a fraud
Like I’m not who they think, like I’m not what I try to portray
Heck, I’m not even living up to all the rules of the game
If I can’t even live out the truth of the words that I say
Then what have I got in the way of a valuable name?
Everything that I’m doing runs counter to what I proclaim
So how do I tune out the voices when I’m the one speaking?
How do I push out these thoughts when I’m the one thinking?
How do I find the peace I say that I’m seeking
When I keep diving into the pit, now it feels like I’m sinking
Got a comf’table spot sitting pretty up under this shade
That I throw at myself, I don’t need you to pile on the hate
Got enough of my own, Poured a full glass of haterade
Gonna drink it on down, there’s a whole ‘nother pitcher I made
All the things I wanna see
All the things I’ll never be
All the praise they say of me
Should be cause for revelry
But because I don’t believe
It’s a joy I don’t receive
It’s a faded memory
Like a haunting melody
Of an opportunity
That’s forever out of reach
And the voices whisperin’
Like a spreading malady
I don’t think I can be free
From the voice inside of me
From the weak and desperate plea
For a lifeline on this sea
Of shifting anxiety
Crippling fears and then worry
What if everyone could see
What I keep inside of me
What I never will release
All the truth I won’t repeat
All the doubts that never cease
All the foes I can’t defeat
No one knows this side of me
But it shows up when I sleep
Voices rising from the deep
All the secrets that I keep
All the darkness starts to creep
Up in my soul into a heap
Of regrets that make me weep
Choking out the air I breathe
Keeping out the Voice I need
While doubt plants another seed Of depression over deeds
And mistakes that make me bleed
In a way you’ll never see Pouring out internally Over all the parts of me
Tell me How do I tune out the voices when I’m the one speaking?
How do I push out these thoughts when I’m the one thinking?
How do I find the peace I say that I’m seeking
When I keep diving into the pit, now it feels like I’m sinking
Got a comf’table spot sitting pretty up under this shade
That I throw at myself, I don’t need you to pile on the hate
Got enough of my own, Poured a full glass of haterade
Gonna drink it on down, there’s a whole ‘nother pitcher I made
Here’s another spoken word style poem I wrote over the last few days… thinking of the tape or the playlist that often goes on in the back of our minds, calling out our failures and playing off our doubts. This one has a decidedly Christian bent — while acknowledging the negative thoughts that sparked the idea for the poem, I didn’t want to wallow in them.
HEADPHONES
Shut all the voices out, I’m trying to tune in Turn up the volume loud, the music is boomin’ Drownin’ the fear and doubt beneath all the rhythm Bobbing my head unbowed by my inner schism So long as I lock on the sound I don’t mind the prison And the feeling of coming unbound like light in a prism When the beat is starting to pound against the system I feel like I can rebound – I will not be a victim
Put the phones in, Try to home in
On the feelings and the voices that keep dronin’
All the echoing whispers condoning
Condemning thoughts I’m alone in
Awash in a well of emotion
Where I wade with the weight of the burden
And the heaviness hurts ‘til I’m groaning
But I keep it inside like I’m owning
All the pain that I hide when I’m hurtin’
So many voices, so many words
So many streams of empty air
Saying the same old things that I’ve heard
There ain’t nothin’ new out there
Under the sun, feel like I’m done
Broken down in disrepair
Thoughts that I shun come back and run
All through my head and leave me bare
Without a prayer,
Carry the care you wouldn’t dare reveal and share
All that you bear, ditch the despair
Don’t let ‘em see the wear and tear
Don’t let it scare the unaware
Wouldn’t be fair—not their nightmare
Just turn up the music and sway to the beat
Try to confuse all the voices that speak
Drown them in tunes that you put on repeat
Try to refuse to believe their deceit
All the abuse ‘cause they see you as weak
All the excuses you make for defeat
All the regrets leaving you incomplete
All of the fears from which you retreat
We’re all listenin’ to our own playlist
S’posed to listen more, try to say less,
But the voice in my head is a sadist
And the man in the mirror’s a menace
So I walk with my head down dejected
When my life goes to hell as expected
All the chances I dodged and deflected
And the burdens and shame that I’m left with
Tried to pass off the blame, got rejected
By the masses my game disrespected
And I’m groping for hope resurrected
But my options remain unaffected
‘Cause I’m leaving the efforts neglected
That would cure all my sickness—infected
By the ego that won’t be corrected
So I keep to myself, disconnected
While I’m tellin’ myself I’m protected
By the stories and lies I’ve collected
‘Cause the liar inside misdirected
And my purpose has been intercepted
Shut all the voices out, I’m trying to tune in Turn up the volume loud, the music is boomin’ Drownin’ the fear and doubt beneath all the rhythm Bobbing my head unbowed by my inner schism So long as I lock on the sound I don’t mind the prison And the feeling of coming unbound like light in a prism When the beat is starting to pound against the system I feel like I can rebound – I will not be a victim
But the playlist just keeps on repeatin’
All the ways that my sin’s got me beaten
All the failures and falls got me bleedin’
All the hopes and the dreams are receding
‘Til the song and the voices I’m hearin’
With their mocking and laughing and jeering
They get lost in the sudden appearing
Of a radiant Champion clearing
All of the fog and the doubt and depression
Turning my eyes from my inward obsession
Toward the prize beyond any possession
That He purchased for us through redemption
Every sin every failure—you name it
It’s been stamped with His Name ‘cause He paid it
The whole list is now His, He forgave it
Powerless to condemn ‘cause He nailed it
To the cross where He bought our salvation
And I need to get this revelation
That the God who says “No condemnation”
Is rejoicing in celebration
Over us and our consecration
As He’s working toward sanctification
Now that we are His brand new creation
And the echoes that kept up their whisp’rin’
Kept on pickin’ on me and all my sin
Well He shut off those tunes and He put in
A playlist called “Fully forgiven”
His mercies – they’re new every sunrise
His love – you’re the apple of His eyes
His grace – it cannot be diminished
His work on the cross – it is finished
‘Cause along with the song that He’s singin’
There’s a message of hope that He’s bringin’
So shut all the voices out, I’m trying to tune in Turn up the volume loud, the music is boomin’ Drownin’ the fear and doubt beneath all the rhythm Bobbing my head unbowed by my inner schism So long as I lock on the voice that freed me from prison And the glory in which I rejoice like light in a prism When Your mercy and grace overpower my limited vision And Your Spirit alive in me shouts that this corpse is now risen When the power of love You have shown has shattered the system Through the favor and grace You bestowed When You took my place and embraced the disgrace as a victim
So I take out the earbud a minute
And I think about what’s playin’ in it
And I know it’s not for me alone
That’s why I pick up this microphone
The home of David M. Williamson, writer of fantasy, sci-fi, short stories, and cultural rants.
On frustrating days (or rather, on good enough days with some particularly frustrating moments), this view right outside my door is my mental safe space…
