Some people are really bad at small talk.

I’m standing in line at the local express store at 10:30 PM… I stopped on the way home to grab some cat litter, some Monsters for the next day, and some what-nots for the kidlets.

A random dude, paying for his things, turns and looks at me with my jug of Tidy Cats in hand. “Whatcha gonna do with that box o’ kitty litter?” he asks, his tone conspiratorial, as if kitty litter is the new gateway drug or the main ingredient in some explosive compound.

Befuddled, I mumble a weak, “uhhh… probably gonna use it for my cats.”

By the time I got to my car, in the rain, I came up with “I can’t go to the beach in this weather, so this is the closest I can get.”

Too little, too late.

In retrospect, I see a missed opportunity! What AM I going to do with all this kitty litter? You don’t know, random guy! You don’t know my life!

10. Matching throw pillows for my love seat. Accessorizing is the key to good decor.

9. Works great on tough stains in the washer. If clay is good for your skin, imagine how good it is for your delicates!

8. Needed a new stand for my router. The scented crystals help spread the wi-fi particles better.

7. Christmas present for the kids! They don’t sell coal in the local stores, and I wanted to get ahead of this year’s shopping.

6. Scours the bathtub clean. Move over, Mr. Clean! Step off, Soft Scrub. This is a job for Tidy Cats.

5. Microwaved litter is the new potpourri. Glade fresh scent strong enough for multiple cats–or the lingering stink of bad Chinese food… which might also be multiple cats.

4. My ill-conceived Tidy Cats protest continues! Take that, capitalists! I’m gonna buy your product and throw it right in the trash! Then I’m gonna go buy more tomorrow and do the same thing! Wait… uh…

3. Who needs dryer sheets? It says fresh scent right on the bottle. This has to work.

2. Staying ahead of the curve with my teens. First, it was eating tide pods, then it was pulling condoms through the nose… the next trend is drinking cat litter, and you saw it here first.

1. You haven’t tried the Tidy Cats diet?  Less calories than bacon bits, cheaper than any decent brand of croutons, and the clumping action means you feel full faster! Watch the pounds come off…

What great, creative options have I missed? Let me know in a comment.